The Drama of an Unwanted Child

All throughout my years of self loathing stemmed from one crucial reality, I am unwanted. I will try to divulge the reason why. This might be a hard pill to swallow but I think it's time to tell my truth. In the beginning was sparkles and rainbows, two people found themselves in love in the age of The People's Power Revolution in the Philippines. Marcos was in power then eventually dethroned and the people was in the height of a new political and socio economic realities. My mother and father met at the same university albeit are still very young and ignorant to the world. Mother was a commerce major while my father is a civil engineering major. I used 'was' loosely because she never really used her education because I came into the picture hence the unwanted child syndrome. My father on the other hand left the country to work abroad. Rewind to where I came in the picture. My mother got pregnant with me at 21, can you imagine the pressure?. Philippines known for its cultural traditions and pseudo Christian dogma, abortion is never an option. So she kept me, knowing full well that she can't possibly raise a child. Knowing full well that she's kissing her blossoming career goodbye. I was born September 20th, 1982, I wish I could remember my first breath. I did remember some good memories. I saw a picture of my first birthday, the entire Balik Balik Sampaloc, Metro Manila was there it seemed. I saw some cute baby pictures with my grandma and grandpa. I even saw a picture with my dad looking like a member of the BeeGees. My mom smiling as I try to do my first steps. I wish I can remember. But alas it's a distant memory and what's left are the reasons why I shouldn't have been given life. My parents weren't ready to have me but instead of realizing it, I was given the life I wished I didn't have. I sound so ungrateful right now but hear me out. As a child I was left alone a lot with random people and family members who clearly had other intentions. I remember a neighbour who baby sat me one day, I don't know how I remember this I must have been 5 years old. I remember seeing a statue of the Holy Family, baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph. I asked if I can touch it as children do. He proceeded to take the statue from the altar and takes me to the bedroom. What he did after was inconceivable, he undressed me and put me on my side. As I revel on the images of the Holy Family in my hands, I felt his private part rub against my naked body. He made me touch it. I remember feeling confuse and strange. I remember feeling sticky and wet and smelly. Wow! that was traumatic even recalling. I guess I attracted child molesters because it didn't stop there. My uncle Tito Abel, who baby sat me numerous times was the main culprit. He began playing with my private parts on numerous late night occasions while watching wrestling on tv. It then elevated into years of pulling me into a room, bending me over rubbing his private parts against my body until he finishes. I screamed in pain as he tried to enter me and laughs. I remember having an opportunity to tell my mom and he covered my mouth and threatened me with violence. So I stayed silent not knowing the effects of this abuse to my life. I must be a walking prey for the child molesters because even our helper Ate Letty also succumbed. She repeatedly rubbed herself on me while I was sleeping, a violation that went on for years. So you see? I might sound ungrateful for the life given to me but that is what I had to endure as a child. I was exposed to these violence that as an adult it has been difficult to reconcile. My faith is my only solace and consolation. I remember one night looking into the stars from a window, I saw an image in the sky shaped like The Virgin Mary. I took it as a sign that my life will be hard but I will never be alone. For God is always with me.

The drama of an unwanted child is about a life full of heartache and blessings. My parents were forced to have me even when they're not ready resulting in neglect. I was exposed to some horrifying experiences because of this neglect. Parents in the Gen X era in the Philippines in my opinion had tremendous pressures. Their mentality of acquiring social status and material wealth is in the forefront of every family I know. The more you have, the more you are socially worthy of acknowledgement. Anything less is considered unacceptable and in families, its abhorrent. My father pressured to exceed everyone with all good intentions did everything in his power to reach that level of acknowledgement. And he did it, we are in Canada because of his money. Although it's my mom's persistence that we got here. Nevertheless, all the success felt in vain because of the lack of care. The one sided and lack of emotional connection method of parenting resulted in a pretty painful reality. I've accepted that I will never be the daughter who can just go to my parents and ask for advice in life. I will always feel awkward showing affection to them because I never received it myself. I will never be able to cry in front of them and not felt weak. I will never feel accepted because it was never shown or revealed. I can't blame them because they also struggled with it. My mom was accustomed to obeying and not having a voice is a norm. Her loyalty is unparalleled even in her own detriment. My father was unloved by his own family so what do I expect. Empathy is a gift given to those who suffered the most. I am full of it. Emotional intelligence however is another characteristic that needs to be acquired from emotional and social awareness. My dad needs this really bad. Honestly he needs a divine intervention. I am still hopeful.

As I forge into the future as a confident Trans woman finally, I pray for healing. Forgiveness is given but I hope that my story can shed a light on a very important aspect of parenting. Children are gifts from God and we must do everything in our power to protect them. Their innocence is the hope for the future and we must strive to be child like. I know I live everyday with that sensibility and my mom often criticizes me that I should grow up. That I am not a child anymore. I often respond although hurt with "I am child like and that's ok". In the end, I will not allow the tragedies of this world to change me. I will not allow the predators who took my innocence away to win. I forgive them with all of my heart and I am grateful for my life. I forgive my parents for making me feel and being unwanted. I just hope that one day I will get an opportunity to love as a parent and break this ancestral curse. A parent who loves unconditionally, who takes care and gives wholeheartedly and ready to face whatever comes with grace and dignity.

"To err is human; to forgive, divine."

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"Get behind me satan!"