A Trans Catholic

There is a dilemma in a life of a Trans Catholic. A sense of unworthiness in the eyes of God, the question of "Why me? Why do I have to suffer this way? and the inner battle within the church itself. As a child I've always felt close to God. It was magical in a way because I couldn't really understand or explain even now as I write these words. I was always attracted to the statues of Jesus and Mary. In a way it made me feel safe. Clinging to them is like having a security blanket but it's beautiful, life like and enthralling. I vividly remember as a child that I was playing with a little boy carrying a ball and he had curly hair. I wanted to be his friend and I felt really happy. I'm not sure now whether it's a dream or real life but I always associated him to Santo Nino 'Infant Jesus'. I played with him and it was incredible. A part of me now is thinking maybe it was a prophecy of my life. That I am comforted then to know that whatever hardships I go through in life, He is always there. I believe it with all my heart.

As I discover my identity, questioning my faith was ever so present. It wasn't easy, I lost faith too, I questioned God's existence but for some unexplained reason I look at the sky or the ocean and I feel Him again. The feeling of unworthiness every so often creeps in due to a video of a priest online condemning the queer community, an external factor that is the Catholic church who often vehemently diminishes the existence and validity of the queer identity. As they question I too question, "Am I truly created in the image of God?" "Is my very existence born out of sin and that I am sin itself?" I look deep into heart in perfect humility and ask God's grace of wisdom. The church might agree but for some reason I don't. I am good. I am with God and that I am not a sin. These condemnation has decreased my efforts in the Catholic church and I don't like it. I love the church. I love receiving the sacraments. I feel joy and wonder every time I enter a church. There is sense of peace in the air. This has led me to believe that the unworthiness in the eyes of God for me is never the truth because no matter what God loves us all unconditionally. Maybe this sense of unworthiness stems from a true love of God. Humble of heart that we feel His majesty too magnificent. Being unworthy then is a virtue that we must learn and teach. Magnanimity in order to feel His love. I believe that the fear of the Lord is feeling unworthy. Instead of using fear because I find it very dark honestly. I will use unworthiness because feeling this makes me worthy. Worthy of Love because I am Love.

Being a Trans Catholic is paradox. Two ideologies that doesn't quite agree with each other but I think it's ok. Just like their view on abortion and women as church leaders, the Catholic organization is antiquated. My hope is when the times comes when Jesus himself walks in the door he will be welcomed.

"Love thy neighbour as I have loved you" .....Jesus Christ

Fatima, Portugal