"Memoirs of a Trans Artist" by Thalia Altura

Canada is one of the leading countries in advocating for the queer identity and our beloved Justin Trudeau made sure of that. Year after year the LGBTQIA+ community has been proud to walk the streets of Toronto in solidarity with each other and thousands of allies. A grand party protest that celebrates the life and struggles of the queer identity, but for myself, an actor, singer, musician, acceptance has been a lifelong fight. I first emerged as a budding musical theatre Artist at a very young age. Singing and dancing was my thing and even though I was growing up into a young woman inside, the boy outside was maligned. Having been forced to go through circumcision, a right of passage they say in a traditional Filipino culture, constant incessant bullying for my seemingly effeminate expressions, I emerged as a vibrant positively joyful young person. Much of this is attributed to my faith, having been exposed to the church life early on, I also aspired to live a religious life, role playing as the Virgin Mary herself. I found solace in the church, a concept I was denied of at home and at school. "Ibibitin kita ng patiwarik" (I'll hang you upside down) an often exclamation my father would use to threaten and control my actions, "I still feel the belt marks on my body". At school was never better, as I was the smartest in the class (Top 1) and also a little curvy, my cis male gender classmates would often grab me by the tits. I did however fought back numerous times with the help of my GLIMPSE barkada (bffs). Even from all the condemnation, I remarkably bounced back joyful and positive because of music. "I just loved singing", I joined singing competitions at school and won most of them. Werk!

My family decided to immigrate to Canada in 1997 when I was only 13 years old, I always knew my life would change. A new country to learn about and new experiences but it was also the beginning of realizing my identity. "Faggot" was the alarm that goes off every single day from the mouth of a person who shall remain nameless. At the time I didn't know what it meant so it didn't bother me much, a notion I considered a blessing. All became interesting when I made an unexpected friend named Alicia who guided me to the ins and outs of the adolescent life including my first sexual experience.It's a memoir ok! I also met Jenny, my bff for life a year later just to discover myself. Literally. To explain this would be almost cinematic in a way, imagine two friends having fun, laughing until their belly ached. My former self then decided to put on Jenny's hair piece dancing to Jennifer Lopez's "If You Had My Love", a moment of silence as I looked into my reflection. "This is me" I exclaimed in certainty. This is the pivotal moment as I emerged from my former self to the new. That moment triggered a new age of enlightenment as I transitioned into the person we now know as Thalia. In ancient Greece she is the muse of Drama, if you ask me it's quite fitting. But Thalia (Ta-lee-yeah) is actually inspired by a Mexican singer known for her telenovela 'Marimar', which I loved dancing to in secret when I was young. You might be thinking that my life is like a music video circa 2000 but the story hasn't even really started yet. I then sought after clinical advice but had no success in the beginning. Calling the help line gave me some comfort but my gender dysphoria is a Goliath to a point of self harm "I wanted to cut if off myself". You might also be thinking where are my parents in all this? My father who we now know is at least a verbal abuser and having been recently diagnosed with cancer at this time, had everything to say. Forcing me to leave the house, my mother did what some mothers would do, take his side and left me fending for a place to live in the midst of my struggles. Left on the street and couldn't get a decent job, I resorted to sex work as a means to an end. Nothing wrong with sex work but I would have preferred to work at a place less exposing. But hope is not lost still with a friend named Stacy, she took me in and helped me during this time. And yes I was a pain in the butt but her compassion is God like and I will be forever grateful to her for saving my life. There were also angels in my life, Dan who showed me that dancing can fix anything, Adam was a boyfriend who stayed by my side when I needed it the most and rekindled in me the love of music. Looking back I was truly blessed to have known extraordinary people in such extraordinary time in my life.

The year is 2004 when I received the best news of my life thus far. The government of Canada offered me a fully funded gender reassignment surgery, it seemed a long time coming from years of hormone therapy, physical and psychological evaluations from the leading psychiatrist in the country. Overwhelmed with joy and as I prepared myself for the final phase of my transition, I still endured discrimination at work. Seriously! Having been exposed to questions like "Is it true you're a man?". I was even kicked out of the restroom for doing my business. Needless to say I was pissed. But I am not completely innocent, I used my "passing privilege" to have a semblance of normalcy resulting in some pretty potentially dangerous situations. Dating cis men who didn't know and engaging in sexual activities. It was stupid. I was stupid. But thank God I was safe, I remember the guy took me aside and said "Be careful, I don't want you to get hurt" and as the self preserving person that I am, I bolted like a lightning and never looked back.

As I arrived in Montreal for my surgery waiting on a gurney, it was raining looking at the tree outside as the wind brushes against it I realized this is it. On the other side of this is my dream coming true. I'll finally be alive. So I thought! I will no longer try and tuck and worry about random hard ons. The surgery was uncomfortable. I felt like rocks where cemented into my lower body. The worst part, I was alone, no family around, just me and the nurse. It was lonely. I was celebrating in the inside but mourning in the outside. Well I did eventually celebrated in the outside as I started healing and I healed well. It looked amazing. I was in awe, practically showing it off. All is well and after 3 months I couldn't wait to try it and it was phenomenal. Needless to say I had my slut moments. But the surgery didn't really fix the relationship I have with my family especially with my father. He still constantly misgenders me, calls me derogatory names "Bakla" means "Faggot". I really didn't know what else to do to gain their respect. Time passed and another mistake of a relationship happened and I realized I completely forgotten the one thing that got me through all the hard times, music. It was the source of inspiration for me in a long time and it was nonexistent in my life. So I decided to audition at The Randolph College for the Performing Arts in Toronto, a self revealing experience I must say but for 2 years of that self study and of human nature, I was a coward. I couldn't allow myself to be found out even if I knew that it will dramatically help in developing my artistry. "Me? Trans no way! Do you have a secret?" as I denied it through and through. The best part was living in a religious Catholic convent during this time. I was a part of the God crew, praying a lot, and discerning on a possible life as a nun. Seriously can you imagine, Sister Mary Clarence realness, only if they knew the truth, I would be burn at the stake like Joan of Arc. In all seriousness it was a lovely experience, the sisters were profoundly magnanimous. I felt holy and belonged, secretly wishing that I would feel this way even if they knew I am Trans. Going back to my music point, as I graduated and got some really cool first experience as an actor and musician, I found myself doing everything in my power to be kept hidden. I couldn't trust anyone. I couldn't let anyone in. And worst of all my confidence was shot, I had this elusive voice in my head saying "You're not good enough!". "I wonder why dad?!". I felt so insecure about myself which resulted in a really bad eating disorder but I was in a constant euphoric state. A very wise woman ones said to me "Gandhi during his hunger strikes was always euphoric", of course I ignored her. I'm skinny and fabulous. I was hungry! Going back to music, I landed a gig working on a cruise ship. Seeing the world was a gift and having an opportunity to learn about other cultures really inspired me. After I also worked as a lead vocalist in a party band in Bahrain and Dubai. Still projecting a cis gender identity, I felt lost. I felt inauthentic. I felt in danger at times of the consequences of being found out in the middle east causing much anxiety. But most of all I felt like my music and artistry suffered, I second guessed myself too often that I couldn't sing anymore. For years I forgotten about it, I forgot to connect with myself for the life of peace and misjudgement. It was ok for a while until it wasn't anymore. The only hope I had was Ahmed, a perfect gentleman I met during my gig in Bahrain. He was everything I needed in my life at the time. Being desired by this adonis of a man was intoxicating only because I am up to my old tricks. In retrospect it would have been unwise for me to reveal the truth knowing that I could go to prison or even killed for my identity working in that country. So I didn't tell him for a year after traveling to the Philippines together and meeting my family, they loved him by the way, who wouldn't honestly. But after it was revealed, it became clear that it was the end. "You should have told me" and he was right I should have. I had so much opportunity when we were in the Philippines but I couldn't even admit it to myself let alone to someone else. Time healed old wounds but I realized that though I might have omitted a fact about me, I was still me, I was still Thalia, the women he claimed he loved very much. But it was not meant to be.

I needed to come out of this proverbial closet. On September 20th 2018, after years of hiding, after years of playing it safe, after years of being ashamed of myself, I finally built up the courage to say "I AM A TRANS WOMAN". On my 36th birthday I came out to the world and it was joyous and terrifying. At this point I was working with a conservative family business for years and I was worried at the repercussion of my decision. But alas it was the best decision of my life, "I am so proud of you" the words uttered from the mouth of my then boss. I lost it, cried like a baby and needed to be excused. Mascara running down my face, it wasn't pretty. It was a moment that I only wished my own family would utter themselves. I am still hopeful.

It took me over 20 years to admit the lifelong denial and pains I endured. Denying my own existence and believing that I am unworthy took a life time to unlearn. A life time it seemed but I would not change it one bit because it has turned me into a resilient and compassionate person I am today.

I also recently revealed to my family that I was indeed a survivor of child molestation from my own uncle and care giver. "It's hard to admit to myself that this happened to me and it's especially difficult to tell my parents and brothers". But this is the beginning of healing.

The mantra of "#changeheartsandminds4ever" is the culmination of all the challenges and triumphs in my life. I am hoping that through the platform of Miss Trans Global I can spread this words of encouragement to people all around the world. Denying ourselves of love is not only a disservice to ourselves but also to humanity. Telling my story is one way to instigate a conversation about the shared experiences of the Trans identity. There are thousands of Trans folks all over the world fearful to exist but as a collective of empowering queer and allies alike, I believe that we can transcend and make a mark in history in dismantling the root of all hate through kindness and compassion. Remembering to always lead with our hearts because I believe it's the only way to truly affect change.

Coming out is a journey and not being ready is ok! A quote from my favourite pop culture badass Buffy The Vampire Slayer; "I'm a cookie dough, I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready." So revel in your baking, take your time and know that there is a community that will embrace your authenticity me included and celebrate your existence. Changing the world doesn't happen over night but through kindness we can see that it's possible, one soul, one song at a time.

"Be the change you want to see in the world" ...Gandhi